Men need new material!

So I was walking the dogs this morning and I noticed a few police officers standing in front a car service storefront. I thought, I wonder what happened there? I didn't give it too much thought and continued to walk the pups praying for them to do their business so I could catch the 8:15 bus. JACKPOT! Cupcake began crouching. So I bent down to pick up her poop (I think I am the only one in Bushwick who picks up after their dog), and I heard one of the cops say, "Damn I gotta use the bathroom too!"

*pause*

Me: Are you insinuating that I should pick up your poop?
Him: No, no... (undetectable mumbling)
Me: Have a nice day.

So I continued walking, thinking WHO says that?

Now he tries to recover.

Him: I got two dogs. Can you walk my dogs too?
Me:Ummm How much are you paying? (I'm usually prepared with witty responses, but I was at a loss)
Him: How much am I paying? *pause* Can I come talk to you? *starts walking over*
Me: *mumbles curse-words* I'm kind of in a rush.

The rest is too unimportant and long to document.

If any men should come across this post, please adhere to the following:

Do not make animal noises to get our attention
Do not ask us if you can have some of what we are eating/drinking
Do not ask us why we didn't purchase you one of what we are eating/drinking
Do not call us ma, mami, chula, sexy, boo, etc.
Do not make those I-want-to-eat-you-up faces while licking your lips and looking us up and down
Do not ask us to pick up your poop
Do not ask us to do the things you see us doing (for you), in a poor attempt to strike up a conversation (i.e. you see us taking out the garbage and say, damn ma you wanna take out my garbage?) Notice: the example was a doubly whammy because it started off with Damn ma
Do not tell us that you want to "CONVERSATE" with us

The list can go on and on, but if this post helps just one man, I am happy.

Eleven minutes you'll never get back

But worth it.



Lmao.

I'm sorry what??

Welcome to flight 920 to Miami, would you like some penis, PEANUTS?

I'm sorry what?

OK ma'am opening your eyes super wide while you attempt to say the word peanuts without offending people is not working.



Ha!

Sometimes you just gotta ask...

What the f*ck are you doing?

Sometimes people just do crazy things that you don't understand.
Most times you don't even really expect an answer.
But you just have to ask anyway.

Just be careful when you ask this question, that you are not live on the air.



P.S. Sue Simmons is extremely gangster...I bet her pimp hand is very strong.

Why are crackheads up so early?

I mean, they seem to be out all night, and when I leave for work in the morning, they are still out and about. What's up with that? Did they go home, go to sleep and agree to meet back on the corner at 8am, or have they just been out ALL night? It's a mystery to me. When I have a day off from work, my favorite thing to do is sleep in a little. Didn't they get the memo that you can score crack at any time of day in Bushwick? There is an unlimited supply. It's not a first-come-first-serve type of thing.

My girlfriend told me the funniest story the other day...

She was in the barber shop when the door opened and in came this crackhead woman with a 20lb lock and chain around her neck. "Anybody wanna buy a lock?" she asked, her mouth twitching with anticipation. *crickets* She just stood there twitching while everyone stared in disbelief. "The only thing is," she continued, "I ain't got the key." Now why in the world would anyone want to purchase a lock with no key? She knew she didn't have a chance in hell of selling that damn lock. But damn it she tried, and I love her for that.

Do you know your foopa is showing?

Foopa: Blubber located at the waist line.


Now, to clarify this a little more, I do want to mention that even women without a lot of blubber can give themselves a foopa-like effect if they wear the wrong size pants! That being said, WHY for the love of GOD do women insist on accentuating and highlighting their foopas? I do not understand this one bit. I am struggling, sometimes winning, and sometimes losing a weight loss battle myself. But what I will give myself credit for, is NEVER wearing pants that create a foopa (aka roll, muffin top, etc.). Then, to make matters worse, some women pair their wrong-size-jeans with a tight, short shirt, which periodically rides up revealing the aforementioned foopa. What look at they going for exactly? I hope this post will serve as a wake-up call for offenders everywhere...this is not cute!!!!

5am is no time for musical instruments

First let me start off by saying that when I went to go meet with the landlord for my lovely apartment, one of his selling points was to mention that the upstairs tenants were classical musicians. This was really irrelevant to me, but I gave him a nice smile and nod of approval.

I think what he really wanted to say was that there were very nice white people living upstairs, and he had a nice quiet building so I shouldn't go messing it up with salsa music and loud talking.

I believe this to be true because he seemed very surprised when he first met me. I think he was fooled by my very white voice (aka proper English). After renting the apartment, I called him one afternoon, and he said, "Wow Vanessa you sound so corporate." Ummm this is the way I speak, but now that you have met me and the voice doesn't match what you thought I would look like, now I sound corporate? Umm ok.

So anyway, I was having a very restless sleep last night. I finally started to fall into a deep sleep around 4am only to be awoken at 5am-ish by the sound of instruments. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. Who does that? Who starts practicing musical instruments at 5am? I just lied there for a few minutes staring at the ceiling hoping they would stop, praying they were sleep-playing those instruments, and were going to wake up at any moment and realize the horrible thing they were doing. That never happened. What did happen you ask? I got ghetto. I jumped up from the bed, grabbed a can of hairspray from the dresser and started banging it wildly on the radiator pipe. I was like a mad woman. I threw the can and headed back to bed mumbling under my breath. In case you are wondering, the music stopped. But really...who does that?

So folks, for future reference, white classical musicians do not equal quiet neighbors.

NYE in a nutshell

In case you haven't figured it out...I am puking in a Happy New Year hat. From what I can remember, we had a great time!

Here are some pre-puking pics...








Son, wife, me, daughter...my world


OK I don't remember this moment...but apparently it was very funny.

Happy 2009!

So this is what it's come to...

I have resorted to cruel and unusual tactics to ensure that I do not cheat on my diet. Now when I say "diet" I really mean that I am just trying to eat well and shed some pounds...it's just easier to say diet. Ok, so my new tactic is (insert horror music here), whenever I feel the urge to cheat on my "diet" I watch a Beyonce or Shakira music video. By the time it's over, the urge to comsume inhale the the sweet creamy goodness that melts on my tongue and leaves a lingering hint of sugary bliss....oh crap brb...



Ok, I'm fine now, and suddenly I want carrots.

Don't ya love things made in China

If our office Christmas tree goes up in flames, those flames will be very special.

Why you ask? Because they are...

She really loves Heineken

Check yo'self befo' you wreck yo'self.

I understand that my use of public transportation reduces my carbon footprint, so I feel good about my contribution to saving the planet, but lord am I surrounded by complete idiots. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a hidden camera show! Today a very large woman sat next to me in a two-seater and literally had me pinned to the window for about a half an hour. In no way is this a jab at her weight, because I too am on a weight loss journey, but the key is knowing where you fit, and where you don’t. Another favorite is when someone has been waiting for the bus for a while, and they wait till they get on the bus to start digging through their bottomless pit of a purse for their Metro Card. Oooohh another is when someone is going down into the station while talking on their cell phone, and they stop short in the middle of the stairs to get their last few words in before losing their signal. I also love it when people bust open their box of Popeye’s and start grubbing right next to you. Why do I have to smell like fried chicken? Or, or, this is a good one, what about the guy who likes to take full advantage of a crowded bus/train by standing right behind you rocking to and fro poking you with his semi hard pee pee…that’s always fun!

Ahhh public transportation, it’s good times.

Does anyone speak English?

I had an out of body experience at a Chinese buffet last night. All I wanted were crab legs. Yeah yeah, I know, I haven't quite given up seafood yet...but I'm working on it. Anyway, all I wanted were crab legs, but they were being held hostage in the kitchen. Why? I can't answer that. I asked several workers if crab legs were coming out, because I had called ahead of time to make sure they served crab legs during dinner time, and was told that they did. Every time I asked, they pointed at something saying "napisitoo, napisitoo", it didn't even sound like Chinese. I was very confused. Finally a man took my plate, went into the kitchen and came back with a plate of crab legs. Very weird. Hardly enough for our party of fifteen. I guess it was all you can eat...except for crab legs. So while the rest of our party waited for another magical plate of crab legs to appear, I went on a search for butter. And there was...you guessed it, NO BUTTER. I gave the plate of crab legs to my daughter to hold, and told her to guard it with her life. I went in circles asking for butter, "One minute, one minute...napisitoo, napisitoo". Five minutes and ten napisitoo's later, nothing. There I stood in the middle of the buffet with this overwhelming anxiety building in my chest, which unfortunately resulted in that out of body experience I mentioned before. Gripping my little butter bowl tighter than a pimp holds his money I screamed, "DOES ANYONE SPEAK ENGLISH...ANYONE...DOES ANYONE SPEAK ENGLISH???" After a moment of complete silence, a woman appeared with butter. But no crab legs.

The crab leg situation was really only the half of it. The staff was abrupt and very rude, and treated us like trash. This was by the way the most expensive buffet I have ever been to, and also the smallest!

Later I tried to figure out what napisitoo meant. I can only gather she was saying lapistoo which translated to lobster maybe?? If that's the case, they were trying to suggest we eat some imitation lobster meat so they wouldn't have to waste their crab legs on us.

Just so you know, as our rather "dark" party left, every Asian at the buffet had an overflowing plate of crab legs. Funny I thought.

Me with the very coveted crab legs...


And my friend with no crab legs...



P.S. They were horrible.

Turkey anyone?

I have been at my job for almost nine years. This past March I made the decision to go vegetarian. Yesterday at work I received a memo which said, this year (for the first time ever in all of my meat eating years) to express their gratitude for our hard work, we would be receiving a free turkey. Great.

Concrete diving anyone?

So this morning was running pretty smoothly. I caught the 8:15 bus. There was no abnormal activity on the 8:15 bus. Everything was just dandy. I got off the bus and looked at the time….. 8:57…WHAT??? That bus usually gets me to work at roughly 8:45. So with a block and a half ahead of me, I started to do a lil jogging. Now I should tell you that my office is extremely casual, so I am wearing Converse and a lil morning jog shouldn't be a dangerous thing. I mean it’s not like I am wearing stilettos or anything. OK now I don’t play baseball, but from what I have seen on TV, what happened next can only be described as me stealing third base, except there was no base, just rugged uneven concrete. And while I understand that putting my hands out in front of me protected my face and teeth. Oh lord, my teeth, I don’t want to even imagine the horror. I won’t even speak of it. So while I do understand the benefit of putting my hands in front of me, can I just say…OOOOOOUUUUUCHHHH!!!! I went flying and sliding on that concrete. Of course it was much more than physical pain. There was a red light situation, so about ten cars parallel to me were in a perfect position to feast on my humiliation. What happened next you ask? I got up very quickly, so quickly in fact that I dropped my cell phone. I heard a voice coming from one of the cars, “Are you OK?” My response, “Yeah, Yeah, I’m fine thanks!” I shuffled with my bag, picked up my cell phone and kept running. I ran like I stole something. I wasn’t even thinking about getting to work by 9am anymore. I just wanted to get away from those eyes that had seen that fall. I got to work at 8:59. The whole event was more than two minutes though… I remembered later that my watch is fast, so I didn’t even need to run.

Other events of the morning include the breakfast delivery guy forgetting my Snapple, realizing I might have lost my vitamins during the fall, and a bottle of Aleve opening up in my bag. Oh and there is dirt embedded so deeply in my raw hands that I can’t get it out.

There is a bottle of Shiraz at home with my name ALLLLL over it.