Just shut your damn pie hole

Not sure what my mood is today. I woke up this morning and my whole body hurt (courtesy of Fibromyalgia). I was tired and didn’t feel like doing the whole get-ready-for-work thing, so I decided to call out. I called one of my co-workers to ask her to do something for me, and she told me that some of my other co-workers were talking crap about me not coming in, and bitc*ing about me not making copies of the lottery tickets for the office pool we did this week, blah, blah, blah. I got so upset that I called my boss back and said I was coming in. I got up, got ready and took a cab to work. I was ready for war! But of course people only talk crap when you are not there… one of them did approach me about the copies (the main one that was talking crap) but he did so in the nicest playful tone he could muster up. Jerk.

THEN… I ordered a sandwich….yes I have balls like that… come in at 11am and take lunch at 12 lol. I ordered cheese on a roll, with mayo and onions (don’t ask).

So this is how it went….

Me: Hi can I have cheese on a roll with mayo and onions
Him: You want cheese on a roll with mayo and onions?
Me: Yes! Lots of onions! Thanks!
Him: Ok.

We hung up and thirty minutes later my sandwich arrived. Cheese on a roll with lettuce, tomato and mayo *record screech* Where the F*ck are my onions? Of course I call back just to let him know that my onions went missing but mysteriously I had a sh*t load of lettuce and tomato. He promised to send me a giant onion next time. Clearly he didn’t understand the morning I had, and how badly I wanted onions. And clearly he thought that his little onion-humor erased my frustration. I am breaking up with that deli (that’s a lie).

I have to tell you that in the midst of me writing this blog, he (the sh*t-talker) came over to tell me the longest most irrelevant story ever. Have you ever been listening to someone, but you begin to have an out-of-body experience? Three minutes into his story, my mind wandered. I imagined myself slapping him wildly. I imagined myself grabbing random items from my desk and throwing them at him shouting, SHUT UP! For the love of God just SHUT UP! I was quite abruptly brought back to reality by a hand resting on my shoulder and a voice, “Isn’t that strange…I mean who would do that?” I had no idea what he was talking about.

Please send help.