Just shut your damn pie hole

Not sure what my mood is today. I woke up this morning and my whole body hurt (courtesy of Fibromyalgia). I was tired and didn’t feel like doing the whole get-ready-for-work thing, so I decided to call out. I called one of my co-workers to ask her to do something for me, and she told me that some of my other co-workers were talking crap about me not coming in, and bitc*ing about me not making copies of the lottery tickets for the office pool we did this week, blah, blah, blah. I got so upset that I called my boss back and said I was coming in. I got up, got ready and took a cab to work. I was ready for war! But of course people only talk crap when you are not there… one of them did approach me about the copies (the main one that was talking crap) but he did so in the nicest playful tone he could muster up. Jerk.

THEN… I ordered a sandwich….yes I have balls like that… come in at 11am and take lunch at 12 lol. I ordered cheese on a roll, with mayo and onions (don’t ask).

So this is how it went….

Me: Hi can I have cheese on a roll with mayo and onions
Him: You want cheese on a roll with mayo and onions?
Me: Yes! Lots of onions! Thanks!
Him: Ok.

We hung up and thirty minutes later my sandwich arrived. Cheese on a roll with lettuce, tomato and mayo *record screech* Where the F*ck are my onions? Of course I call back just to let him know that my onions went missing but mysteriously I had a sh*t load of lettuce and tomato. He promised to send me a giant onion next time. Clearly he didn’t understand the morning I had, and how badly I wanted onions. And clearly he thought that his little onion-humor erased my frustration. I am breaking up with that deli (that’s a lie).

I have to tell you that in the midst of me writing this blog, he (the sh*t-talker) came over to tell me the longest most irrelevant story ever. Have you ever been listening to someone, but you begin to have an out-of-body experience? Three minutes into his story, my mind wandered. I imagined myself slapping him wildly. I imagined myself grabbing random items from my desk and throwing them at him shouting, SHUT UP! For the love of God just SHUT UP! I was quite abruptly brought back to reality by a hand resting on my shoulder and a voice, “Isn’t that strange…I mean who would do that?” I had no idea what he was talking about.

Please send help.

Dear 8:15am B7 Bus Driver,

You suck! You just come and go as you please. You're so unreliable. You always disappoint me, but this morning was the worst! You just sat there in plain view. It was after 8:15, and you just sat there taunting me. I think you get off on making me wait in the FREEZING COLD. You watch me as I do my little I'm-f*cking-cold-salsa-dance. You're a real sicko! Finally you moved your a** after I walked the half a block over to you to give you a piece of my mind....

Me: Is this the 8:15 bus?
HIM: Yes
Me: Ummm we're freezing, it's after 8:15, let's go...Com'on!!!!
HIM: Nothing

I walked back over to the bus stop feeling powerful. My crew (freezing strangers) stared at me waiting for an explanation, your explanation...I had nothing for them. I mumbled about cigarettes, newspapers, being late for work, fare increases, and how I hate you.

I was silent as I dipped my metro-card. You weren't worthy of my usual how-the-heck-are-you greeting, because you my friend, are an a**hole!

See you tomorrow.


Sincerely,

Vanessa

These feet were made for walkin'

And today they did! I walked 5 miles from my house over the Williamsburg bridge into Manhattan. It felt great!!!! It's something I have been wanting to do for a really long time!

CAUTION: VERY CRAPPY CAMERA PHONE PHOTOS AHEAD

Coffee beans smell delish

Too bad coffee makes your breath smell a little bit like doo doo. Having said that, I still desperately want to be a coffee drinker. Coffee drinkers always look so cool. They're always hanging out in funky coffee lounges looking like they're taking care of serious business, typing away on their Mac’s, or reading the NY Times. I want that to be me. I just can't get used to the taste, no matter what flavored creamer I use, or how much sugar I put in it. I sometimes pose as a coffee drinker. *whispers* It’s really hot cocoa.

Holding the cup makes me feel sexy and powerful. I think to myself... I am fooling all these people! I throw my head back *insert evil laugh here* and jeer, It's hot cocao you fools!!

Don’t I look super cool though??

Why are crackheads up so early?

I mean, they seem to be out all night, and when I leave for work in the morning, they are still out and about. What's up with that? Did they go home, go to sleep and agree to meet back on the corner at 8am, or have they just been out ALL night? It's a mystery to me. When I have a day off from work, my favorite thing to do is sleep in a little. Didn't they get the memo that you can score crack at any time of day in Bushwick? There is an unlimited supply. It's not a first-come-first-serve type of thing.

My girlfriend told me the funniest story the other day...

She was in the barber shop when the door opened and in came this crackhead woman with a 20lb lock and chain around her neck. "Anybody wanna buy a lock?" she asked, her mouth twitching with anticipation. *crickets* She just stood there twitching while everyone stared in disbelief. "The only thing is," she continued, "I ain't got the key." Now why in the world would anyone want to purchase a lock with no key? She knew she didn't have a chance in hell of selling that damn lock. But damn it she tried, and I love her for that.

Do you know your foopa is showing?

Foopa: Blubber located at the waist line.


Now, to clarify this a little more, I do want to mention that even women without a lot of blubber can give themselves a foopa-like effect if they wear the wrong size pants! That being said, WHY for the love of GOD do women insist on accentuating and highlighting their foopas? I do not understand this one bit. I am struggling, sometimes winning, and sometimes losing a weight loss battle myself. But what I will give myself credit for, is NEVER wearing pants that create a foopa (aka roll, muffin top, etc.). Then, to make matters worse, some women pair their wrong-size-jeans with a tight, short shirt, which periodically rides up revealing the aforementioned foopa. What look at they going for exactly? I hope this post will serve as a wake-up call for offenders everywhere...this is not cute!!!!

Philly was silly

So today my boo (lmao @ "my boo") and I decided to use our almost expired bus tickets and spend the day in Philly. We were very excited to check out all that down town Philly had to offer, but turns out, not so much. I'm guessing that when you are from a city like New York City, other places fail in comparison. I hope I am not offending any proud Philadelphians, or upsetting other proud non New Yorkers. I mean I am sure Paris, London and Rome may be able to hold a candle to my beloved NYC...but Philly...well Philly let us down. I had never been to Philadelphia outside of school trips to see the Liberty Bell, and well if you have seen the Liberty Bell more than once, that is definately one time too many. It's a Bell with a crack in it. I have crack heads and prostitutes on my corner, it's going to take more than a broken bell to excite me.

Aside from the general disappointment, we found ourselves very confused as to why everything was either closed or shut down. I felt like I was in some type of futuristic movie where you wake up from some unexplainable coma that you have been in for 10 years to find your city destroyed and abandoned.

I was however very excited to see the street sign Filbert and 9th. This is the main building of the Philadelphia Parking Authority... A&E Parking Wars fans will understand why... am I the only person who loves Garfield?

The second highlight of my day was when Kevin, a panhandler who wreeked of Smirnoff gave us advice on sight seeing and then asked us to buy him lunch. Boo and I offered him Pizza, but he said Pizza upset his stomach...priceless. Finally Kevin and his stomach agreed to cheese fries.

5am is no time for musical instruments

First let me start off by saying that when I went to go meet with the landlord for my lovely apartment, one of his selling points was to mention that the upstairs tenants were classical musicians. This was really irrelevant to me, but I gave him a nice smile and nod of approval.

I think what he really wanted to say was that there were very nice white people living upstairs, and he had a nice quiet building so I shouldn't go messing it up with salsa music and loud talking.

I believe this to be true because he seemed very surprised when he first met me. I think he was fooled by my very white voice (aka proper English). After renting the apartment, I called him one afternoon, and he said, "Wow Vanessa you sound so corporate." Ummm this is the way I speak, but now that you have met me and the voice doesn't match what you thought I would look like, now I sound corporate? Umm ok.

So anyway, I was having a very restless sleep last night. I finally started to fall into a deep sleep around 4am only to be awoken at 5am-ish by the sound of instruments. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. Who does that? Who starts practicing musical instruments at 5am? I just lied there for a few minutes staring at the ceiling hoping they would stop, praying they were sleep-playing those instruments, and were going to wake up at any moment and realize the horrible thing they were doing. That never happened. What did happen you ask? I got ghetto. I jumped up from the bed, grabbed a can of hairspray from the dresser and started banging it wildly on the radiator pipe. I was like a mad woman. I threw the can and headed back to bed mumbling under my breath. In case you are wondering, the music stopped. But really...who does that?

So folks, for future reference, white classical musicians do not equal quiet neighbors.

8 Things about me

I was tagged by the lovely Meagan Marie =)

8 Things About Me

Rules:
1) Post rules on your blog
2) Answer the 5 categories
3) Tag others

8 Favorite T.V. Shows
1. Sex and the City
2. The Real World
3. American Idol
4. The First 48
5. Wife Swap
6. The L word
7. TMZ
8. Animal Precinct

8 Things I did yesterday
1. Cursed the Super for no heat
2. Used Lottery office pool money to buy myself lunch (I’m putting in back GOSH)
3. Went to the gym
4. Made amazing wraps for dinner
5. Watched American Idol and laughed till I cried
6. Cursed the Super for no heat
7. Cleaned the bathroom
8. Cursed the Super for no heat
Are you jealous of my life yet?

8 Things I look forward to
1. Vacation
2. Seeing the results of my daily visits to the gym
3. Summer
4. Shopping for smaller clothes
5. That feeling you get after the laundry is done
6. The next Sex and the City movie
7. Getting the hell out of the apartment of horrors
8. Getting a new bed

8 Favorite Restaurants
1. Mizu (Japanese)
2. Sea (Thai)
3. Sapphire (Indian)
4. Planet Thai (Ummm Thai)
5. Cosi (Salads and Sanwiches)
6. Fortunato Brothers (Italian Pastries)
7. Sammy’s Fish Box (Seafood)
8. Whole Foods (What? I love the salad and hot food bar! Just leave me alone.)


8 Things on My Wish-list
1. New Phone
2. Barnes & Noble gift cert.
3. New running sneakers
4. New knees
5. Spa gift cert.
6. Wii system
7. SLR Camera
8. HEAT

25 Randoms

1. I have an obsession with feet.
2. I adore animals.
3. I haven't eaten meat in almost one year, and feel great.
4. I have never eaten okra.
5. I kill plants no matter how hard I try to keep them alive.
6. I love spicy food.
7. I put Vaseline on my feet every morning.
8. I love the ARTS.
9. I would like to be a filmmaker.
10. I love how I feel after working out.
11. I have OCD.
12. I don't wear make-up daily, just lip-gloss.
13. I am still trying to get over my fathers death almost 17yrs later.
14. I overuse the word pooey.
15. I think Beyonce might have a personality disorder.
16. I have bad knees.
17. I am a reality TV junkie.
18. I used to throw loose change at bad drivers while driving.
19. Cayenne pepper makes me happy.
20. I have memories that go as far back as me being 2yrs old.
21. I am scared that I will die with so much regret.
22. I curse too much.
23. I am addicted to Sex and the City.
24. I have recently started to enjoy cooking.
25. I don’t think life would be the same without chocolate and cheese.

Invasion of personal space

Ok...I don't blame Pluto at all. But his mommy should have known that this was too close for comfort.

PS I apologize for the nostril shot.