Wednesday, March 4, 2009

On animal years.



It's just not fair that our beloved pets have such short lives. We love them like we birthed them, they become a part of our lives, we watch them grow old and feeble, and inevitably have to experience the excruciating pain of their passing. When I started at my job nine years ago, our office had a mascot, G.G. My boss had found her beaten half to death on the boardwalk near his home when she was just a few years old. He was the only one daring enough to approach a wounded Pitbull, and thank God he was. G.G. is a wonderful dog. She is greedy and pushy, and doesn't like our mail man much, but she is truly a mush. I would always tell people that were too scared to come into our office, "Don't be afraid, she's a kitten trapped in a Pitbulls body!"

My boss retired a couple of years ago, and I haven't seen G.G. since. He came in today, and said he had a surprise. When I saw G.G. trotting through the door, my heart melted. She'd put on some weight as most of us women do in our old age =) but she just looked so old. Her once vibrant face was gray, her eyes had a kind of bloodshot look to them. She's 15ish now. Her real age was never known. She remembered us and went over to each desk to greet each person individually.

I tried to capture a shot of her with my phone, but as soon as I would press the button, she would move...so this was the best that I could do...



It made me sad to think that I probably won't see her again. So I said my goodbyes to her today. Her life started rough, but she was rescued by her prince charming and has a great life living upstate NY at my bosses property. She is a testament to the loving nature these dogs can have, even when they have experienced abuse.

I <3 you G.G.

Get your knot on!


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Monday, March 2, 2009

Sometimes you just gotta ask...

What the f*ck are you doing?

Sometimes people just do crazy things that you don't understand.
Most times you don't even really expect an answer.
But you just have to ask anyway.

Just be careful when you ask this question, that you are not live on the air.



P.S. Sue Simmons is extremely gangster...I bet her pimp hand is very strong.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Just shut your damn pie hole



Not sure what my mood is today. I woke up this morning and my whole body hurt (courtesy of Fibromyalgia). I was tired and didn’t feel like doing the whole get-ready-for-work thing, so I decided to call out. I called one of my co-workers to ask her to do something for me, and she told me that some of my other co-workers were talking crap about me not coming in, and bitc*ing about me not making copies of the lottery tickets for the office pool we did this week, blah, blah, blah. I got so upset that I called my boss back and said I was coming in. I got up, got ready and took a cab to work. I was ready for war! But of course people only talk crap when you are not there… one of them did approach me about the copies (the main one that was talking crap) but he did so in the nicest playful tone he could muster up. Jerk.

THEN… I ordered a sandwich….yes I have balls like that… come in at 11am and take lunch at 12 lol. I ordered cheese on a roll, with mayo and onions (don’t ask).

So this is how it went….

Me: Hi can I have cheese on a roll with mayo and onions
Him: You want cheese on a roll with mayo and onions?
Me: Yes! Lots of onions! Thanks!
Him: Ok.

We hung up and thirty minutes later my sandwich arrived. Cheese on a roll with lettuce, tomato and mayo *record screech* Where the F*ck are my onions? Of course I call back just to let him know that my onions went missing but mysteriously I had a sh*t load of lettuce and tomato. He promised to send me a giant onion next time. Clearly he didn’t understand the morning I had, and how badly I wanted onions. And clearly he thought that his little onion-humor erased my frustration. I am breaking up with that deli (that’s a lie).

I have to tell you that in the midst of me writing this blog, he (the sh*t-talker) came over to tell me the longest most irrelevant story ever. Have you ever been listening to someone, but you begin to have an out-of-body experience? Three minutes into his story, my mind wandered. I imagined myself slapping him wildly. I imagined myself grabbing random items from my desk and throwing them at him shouting, SHUT UP! For the love of God just SHUT UP! I was quite abruptly brought back to reality by a hand resting on my shoulder and a voice, “Isn’t that strange…I mean who would do that?” I had no idea what he was talking about.

Please send help.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Dear 8:15am B7 Bus Driver,



You suck! You just come and go as you please. You're so unreliable. You always disappoint me, but this morning was the worst! You just sat there in plain view. It was after 8:15, and you just sat there taunting me. I think you get off on making me wait in the FREEZING COLD. You watch me as I do my little I'm-f*cking-cold-salsa-dance. You're a real sicko! Finally you moved your a** after I walked the half a block over to you to give you a piece of my mind....

Me: Is this the 8:15 bus?
HIM: Yes
Me: Ummm we're freezing, it's after 8:15, let's go...Com'on!!!!
HIM: Nothing

I walked back over to the bus stop feeling powerful. My crew (freezing strangers) stared at me waiting for an explanation, your explanation...I had nothing for them. I mumbled about cigarettes, newspapers, being late for work, fare increases, and how I hate you.

I was silent as I dipped my metro-card. You weren't worthy of my usual how-the-heck-are-you greeting, because you my friend, are an a**hole!

See you tomorrow.


Sincerely,

Vanessa

Saturday, February 21, 2009

These feet were made for walkin'



And today they did! I walked 5 miles from my house over the Williamsburg bridge into Manhattan. It felt great!!!! It's something I have been wanting to do for a really long time!

CAUTION: VERY CRAPPY CAMERA PHONE PHOTOS AHEAD



Friday, February 20, 2009

Coffee beans smell delish




Too bad coffee makes your breath smell a little bit like doo doo. Having said that, I still desperately want to be a coffee drinker. Coffee drinkers always look so cool. They're always hanging out in funky coffee lounges looking like they're taking care of serious business, typing away on their Mac’s, or reading the NY Times. I want that to be me. I just can't get used to the taste, no matter what flavored creamer I use, or how much sugar I put in it. I sometimes pose as a coffee drinker. *whispers* It’s really hot cocoa.

Holding the cup makes me feel sexy and powerful. I think to myself... I am fooling all these people! I throw my head back *insert evil laugh here* and jeer, It's hot cocao you fools!!

Don’t I look super cool though??